Florida Legislature Tackles Mask Menace with New “Former Bank Robber Mask Amendment”

[FAC NOTE: This is a work of satire. All people, places, agencies, quotes, and events described are fictional]

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — In what lawmakers are calling “the next logical step in public safety,” the Florida Legislature has overwhelmingly approved a bill requiring all former bank robbers to register every mask they own with local law enforcement.

The legislation, sponsored by Sen. Plankton, comes in response to last month’s shocking robbery of the First National Bank of Nowhere, where investigators say the suspect was wearing a Scooby-Doo mask. “Floridians deserve to know if someone who once robbed a bank decides to purchase a Halloween costume,” Sen. Plankton said during debate. “If we can register boats, trailers, and every other aspect of their lives, why wouldn’t we register masks? Public safety demands it.”

The bill received enthusiastic support from the Sheriff of Semen-hole County, who praised the proposal. “It was just common sense,” the sheriff said. “We’ve already prohibited former bank robbers from living within 2,500 feet of any bank or ATM. They’re already prohibited from possessing any currency whatsoever. Registering masks is simply a missing piece of the puzzle.”

Under the new law, former bank robbers must report every mask they own — including Halloween masks, ski masks, and theatrical masks – within 48 hours of acquiring them. If their wife, child, parent, roommate, anyone in their apartment complex, or anyone visiting their home for more than 5 days owns a costume, they have to be registered also. Failure to report a mask is a third-degree felony.

Lawmakers insist the measure will prevent future crimes, but not everyone is convinced.

Former bank robber Eric Rogue questioned the proposal’s practicality. “These Florida politicians are morons,” Rogue said. “If someone is intent on robbing a bank, do you really think they’re going to walk into the sheriff’s office on Monday and say, ‘Hey, I just bought a Disney Princess mask,’ and then on Tuesday Snow White strolls up to the teller? Nobody is that stupid! It’s the same philosophy as putting stolen tags on their cars. And what’s with the boat thing? Has anyone pulled up to a drive-thru teller in a F-ing Jet Ski?”

Supporters dismissed the criticism, arguing that when planning bank robberies, people have historically been known for carefully following administrative reporting requirements when committing felonies.

Meanwhile, authorities in nearby Oscelating County celebrated the success of a major enforcement operation dubbed “Operation Keep the Change,” which resulted in the arrest of more than 100 former bank robbers for violations of Florida’s ever-expanding regulatory scheme. At a press conference announcing the results, the county sheriff highlighted several of the operation’s most dangerous offenders. “One man went as far as to hide a quarter deep in his couch cushion and claim it must have fallen there decades ago,” the sheriff said. “This kind of deception demonstrates exactly why these laws are necessary.”

Legislators who feel the new amendment hasn’t gone far enough have already hinted at additional public safety measures for next session, including mandatory registration of fake mustaches, clown noses, and Groucho Marx glasses, citing concerns that “disguises continue to evolve.”