Successes
One of our members recently suggested that people share some of their successes in dealing with the registry and/or probation with other FAC members. These suggestions will hopefully help others to meet with more successes.
Two years ago, I read the following suggestions at our FAC website and have met with some success in following them:
- Keep one of the neatest, most attractive homes/tents in your area.
- Invite people over so that your neighbors can see that other people like to socialize with you.
- Be friendly to your neighbors. If nothing else, you can give them a smile and friendly wave. Going into seclusion can make others think you have something to hide.
Not every suggestion or positive experience will be something that will help every member, but I know that the above three recommendations helped out greatly in my own situation. Your shared successes will be posted at our FAC website, and your name will not be used.
If you have met with some successes while being forced to register and would like to share them with our other members, please send them to [email protected] or mail them to the following address:
Florida Action Committee
6615 W Boynton Beach Blvd #414
Boynton Beach, FL 33437
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Public Notification, that is any ol body finding out that sex offender has, for example, been mowing yards in the neighborhood with lots of kids around and then calls the local news pretty much blows everything we have said here out the window.
That’s why when we get in front of judges and say, “Judge this public notification thing is truly unconstitutional as it leaves open the posssibilty that at any time the life of a registered person could be immediately tossed into chaos, ending his employment, his housing and his support structure.”
Since this is true and since it indeed happens all the time, I’m not interested in promoting such “survival” techniques. We can talk about survival techniques after our law cases have been funded, argued and all possible avenues of relief have been exhausted. Then we can talk about clever ways to make it.
I think this is a bad idea (to share ‘successes on the registry’) because such things are usually very individualized and happen as a matter of luck or who somebody knows. It can make someone who is really struggling feel even more hopeless and feeling like if only he knew someone or had some good luck. Have we all had “thank God” moments? Of course, the landlord who didn’t check background, the officer who let something slide, the store owner who hired me anyway. That’s all well and good and indeed ‘thank God’ that those people and situations exist. But to the public and as an organization there needs to be only one message of how intolerable this situation has become. If we say, “jobs are impossible to find” (which they are) but then at another moment say, “but go here and read where people have found good jobs” that’s a mixed message which muddies our work. It fuels the belief, one that my Dad held for years, that if I just work hard enough and navigate the right channels, there’s a good job out there for me – I just have to want it and overcome “life’s hurdles.” If that is really true, then what in hell are we doing here? I think the sharing of “temporary survival tips” is helpful. “Success Stories?” No thanks. The only “success story” i’m interested in is getting my name off the public registry and that is why I am here. Thank you for allowing me this forum to express my opinion.
Bottom line: Why don’t we title this article “Survival Tips?” That’s really it for me. thanks.
“Most people don’t care” that you’re on the registry, my treatment provider pointed out.
A disproportionate amount of our troubles are caused by a single overzealous legislator, a single shrill neighbor, or a single troublesome church member. Ordinary people don’t have the guts to openly oppose them.
Practically wherever I go, I can’t tell if I’m recognized or not, because I get treated with the same respect as everyone else.
You have a very good point. Since my husband’s release 1.5 years ago, I kept expecting persecution in every new encounter we had with people. My first such experience was at the DMV in getting my husband’s license branded. I waited for the look of disdain from the DMV employee, but it never came. With a big smile, he said that he would be glad to help us and spent a long time letting me know all the services available to my husband who is a veteran. I have yet to experience that persecution (with the exception of maybe probation). Sometimes I feel I have to explain to people that my husband is on the registry so that no one can later say that I should have “warned” them, but every time I do so, I find that no one really cares he is on the registry. We do live in a university town, though, where science and research are important. What I hear over and over again is that they do not discriminate. So I am no longer bringing up the registry to anyone.
For those who are now up in arms about what I have just said, yes, I know that the registry and its accompanying laws and ordinances are draconian, medieval, barbaric, and need to be done away with. There are ignoramuses out there that the world would be better off without. I spend time on a regular basis looking for articles throughout this nation that are putting out misinformation/lies about people forced onto the registry, and I comment or email the journalists with the research-based facts, hoping that some day they will tell the truth.
Additionally, I let journalists know about the great harm the registry is causing registrants: very difficult to find and keep a decent-paying job, residency restrictions, homelessness, etc.
I know that some of our members have experienced extreme persecution on the registry, all caused by the registry. But I do believe that there is a growing number of people, who as “Most People Don’t Care” stated, that just plain do not care that someone is on the registry. The media likes to point out the few loud mouths that show up at civic meetings to protest against SO’s, but I am not seeing hundreds or thousands of people show up to protest against registrants. It is a monopoly that politicians have taken control of and are trying to convince everyone that ALL people are up in arms against registrants. That just might NOT be the case.
You have to account for a number of variables that are unique to everyone’s personal circumstances. Your husband is a senior. He’s not applying for jobs or having to drop off the kids at school. In other words, he’s not finding himself in many situations where he would be most likely to experience the discrimination. Also, you’re probably with him wherever you go and talking on his behalf, so the optics are different.
Just like we say not everyone on the registry is homogeneous, not everyone’s experience will be the same and not everyone’s reactions will be the same. I’ve had great POs and ones that are not just POs, but real POSs. Some in law enforcement are out to help you succeed and some think it’s their job to trip you up. Some lawmakers are understanding and even sympathetic and others think you should be castrated. It’s the full gambit and even if someone is superficially friendly and understanding, if they feel their business, career aspirations or personal reputation can be tarnished as a result, some will quickly change their tune. I’ve seen that happen a lot as well.
From experience, people see someone in their teens or 20s on the registry and they might assume it was a Romeo and Juliet case or the result of some immature prank gone wrong. People see someone in their 70s, 80s or 90s and think, ‘harmless old guy’. Most in between are viewed as ‘sick f*ck!’. As someone in the latter category, I’ve seen plenty a sudden expression change when I have to show my drivers license or disclose my status. I’ve also lost more clients than I’ve gained and had more prospects disappear (not inexplicably), than not.
I’ve also experienced PLENTY of “polite persecution”, even from closest friends. “You know I’d have invited you to my new years eve party in a second, but some of the other couples know about your past and I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for anyone, so how about we just call each other at midnight?” or “If it were up to me, I have no problem bringing you on board, but I’m worried that some of our clients might have an issue with it, so maybe it’s not a good fit.”
Don’t get me wrong. In addition to the overwhelming negative response, I’ve also experienced professionalism in many situations when I didn’t expect it. But, in nearly 20 years I’d say it’s more the exception than the norm.
I’ve learned who my true friends are.
Out of my former friends, at least one said we could no longer be friends. A few others have quietly backed off and stopped returning my calls. Still others have reached out less frequently, made and kept plans less frequently, been shorter in communication. And some have become “polite persecutors,” as FAC had described.
Yet some have remained fiercely loyal, without hesitating to reach out and consistently unashamed to be seen associating with me.
I finally learned who my real friends are.
And there’s almost no way to tell in advance of a conviction, which friends will be the loyal ones. Some are right-wing, some are left-wing. Some men, some women. Some parents, some childless. Some prominent in the community, some private. Some are even in law enforcement.
So I know on whom to focus my energies and loyalties.
By the way, as someone who’s gotten in touch with his own weaknesses, I can admit that, were the shoe on the other foot, I might be the “polite persecutor” FAC describes. But my conviction has given me the gift of humility.
This is an EXCELLENT way to put this and worthy of a separate post (if you care to submit it as one). I’ve always thought of the experience as an excellent “filter”. Now, I’ve adopted a belief that “those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”
I think the most important thing you point out is that you live in a college town. The registry is a publicity stunt to placate the dull, stupid, boot licking and mouth breathing masses. Intelligent people with critical thinking skills don’t put much stock in registries, or politicians and law enforcement telling them what to think in general. There may not be many in your ivory tower, but many registrants are forced to live among them. That’s the key difference.