Florida Legislature Tackles Mask Menace with New “Former Bank Robber Mask Amendment”
[FAC NOTE: This is a work of satire. All people, places, agencies, quotes, and events described are fictional]
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — In what lawmakers are calling “the next logical step in public safety,” the Florida Legislature has overwhelmingly approved a bill requiring all former bank robbers to register every mask they own with local law enforcement.
The legislation, sponsored by Sen. Plankton, comes in response to last month’s shocking robbery of the First National Bank of Nowhere, where investigators say the suspect was wearing a Scooby-Doo mask. “Floridians deserve to know if someone who once robbed a bank decides to purchase a Halloween costume,” Sen. Plankton said during debate. “If we can register boats, trailers, and every other aspect of their lives, why wouldn’t we register masks? Public safety demands it.”
The bill received enthusiastic support from the Sheriff of Semen-hole County, who praised the proposal. “It was just common sense,” the sheriff said. “We’ve already prohibited former bank robbers from living within 2,500 feet of any bank or ATM. They’re already prohibited from possessing any currency whatsoever. Registering masks is simply a missing piece of the puzzle.”
Under the new law, former bank robbers must report every mask they own — including Halloween masks, ski masks, and theatrical masks – within 48 hours of acquiring them. If their wife, child, parent, roommate, anyone in their apartment complex, or anyone visiting their home for more than 5 days owns a costume, they have to be registered also. Failure to report a mask is a third-degree felony.
Lawmakers insist the measure will prevent future crimes, but not everyone is convinced.
Former bank robber Eric Rogue questioned the proposal’s practicality. “These Florida politicians are morons,” Rogue said. “If someone is intent on robbing a bank, do you really think they’re going to walk into the sheriff’s office on Monday and say, ‘Hey, I just bought a Disney Princess mask,’ and then on Tuesday Snow White strolls up to the teller? Nobody is that stupid! It’s the same philosophy as putting stolen tags on their cars. And what’s with the boat thing? Has anyone pulled up to a drive-thru teller in a F-ing Jet Ski?”
Supporters dismissed the criticism, arguing that when planning bank robberies, people have historically been known for carefully following administrative reporting requirements when committing felonies.
Meanwhile, authorities in nearby Oscelating County celebrated the success of a major enforcement operation dubbed “Operation Keep the Change,” which resulted in the arrest of more than 100 former bank robbers for violations of Florida’s ever-expanding regulatory scheme. At a press conference announcing the results, the county sheriff highlighted several of the operation’s most dangerous offenders. “One man went as far as to hide a quarter deep in his couch cushion and claim it must have fallen there decades ago,” the sheriff said. “This kind of deception demonstrates exactly why these laws are necessary.”
Legislators who feel the new amendment hasn’t gone far enough have already hinted at additional public safety measures for next session, including mandatory registration of fake mustaches, clown noses, and Groucho Marx glasses, citing concerns that “disguises continue to evolve.”
Discover more from Florida Action Committee (FAC)
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Perfect example of what really is the garbage registry.
The only thing that concerns me is that there are entirely ignorant, voraciously stupid and epic deranged people in Tallahassee that might see this as a good idea.🤦🏼♀️
I’ve been asking all along since our autistic son‘s nightmare, which we share, began in 2012, 14 years ago this month……..what is next.
And darned if the lunatics didn’t come up with an animal abuse registry.
I’m thinking a spousal abuse registry might be next.
Maybe a registry for people who don’t use their recycling waste bins. You know, the “green initiative” moronic BS. (Although I am a huge advocate for recycling. We all live on this plane of existence, we have to keep it cleaned up and maintained.)
A registry for parents who let their 8-10 year old children drive golf carts, dirt bikes, and other non-street-legal motorized vehicles, unattended, to trespass repeatedly on other people’s properties and create a danger to themselves and the public. Put the kids on the list too because it’s not really about protecting children. It’s about profits.
They work every possible farce of “protecting children“ that they can CONjure. But in this particular case, kids are getting hurt. One of our neighbors’ daughters, riding an ATV, slammed into a tree and broke her neck. Last I heard she was still paralyzed. Oh dear God, a child was actually hurt and yet this reckless endangerment continues.
Even the parents drive those things all over the streets, often times holding beer bottles or red solo cups, with tiny children in backseats and seats that face the back, not strapped in and neither are their dogs. One woman rides one of those noisy things around our neighborhood with a toddler sitting in the front seat, many times she’s standing up, while she’s holding an infant. She herself is not strapped in by a seatbelt. What’s gonna happen to that baby and toddler should anything at all cause her to have an accident? Not to mention so many of them violate the 25 foot law concerning music sound distance from a vehicle. But alas, laws are meant to be broken, that’s how the profits happen.
I think we definitely need a registry that lists every dirty rotten self-serving politician that votes against things like property tax relief. Any filthy politician that pushes legislation that benefits them in ANY way should go on the list. They’re immediately removed from office and never allowed to step foot within 3000 feet of any other politician, government building, public meeting, lobbyists, or live within 3000 feet of any Florida citizen they have harmed by working against us for their own benefit, all benefits. It’s time to expose the real terrorist criminals…the government. They’re actually doing a very good job of exposing themselves.
Government:
Govern — Control
Ment — Mental — Mind
The etymology of words is fascinating.
Greatsatire.keep up the good work.
Ive always joked with my wife im surprised the dont ban bank robbers or car jackers next. Car jack a car and you cant own a car ever. When does it stop. I just forwarded info about volusia county on voting on whether to put domestic violence registry in place.
Could you possibly post a link to that
🤣Brilliant!! Thanks for that!
If our new mask amendment protects even one child, isn’t it worth it?
The bank robber, going to rob a child ?
When they’ve emptied all the banks, gotta go after the lunch money next.
Bravo, Florida. Finally, a legislature with the courage to tackle the real criminals: people who own both a past conviction AND a Spider-Man mask.
This is exactly the kind of bold, data-driven policy we need. Everyone knows that the leading cause of recidivism isn’t poverty, lack of opportunity, or inadequate rehabilitation services—it’s unregistered novelty eyewear. Thank heavens law enforcement will now have a comprehensive database of every former bank robber’s theatrical costume inventory. I’m sure the detectives will find it incredibly useful when they’re tracking down the guy who robbed a Wells Fargo dressed as a shrubbery.
And let’s applaud the foresight on “Operation Keep the Change.” That couch-cushion quarter criminal was clearly a menace to society. One day it’s loose change in the upholstery, the next day it’s the Federal Reserve. Slippery slope, people.
I particularly appreciate the Sheriff of Semen-hole County’s wisdom about the boat registration parallel. Because as we all know, the Venn diagram of “people who own jet skis” and “people who rob banks via drive-thru” is practically a circle.
My only critique? They’re being too soft. Where’s the mandatory ankle monitors for anyone who’s ever purchased a fake beard? What about the facial recognition database for Groucho Marx eyebrows? Until we require former robbers to submit their children’s Halloween candy bags for inspection, can we really say we’re safe?
Public safety demands it. Register the masks. Save the banks. God bless the Sunshine State.