Florida Must Act Now: Keep Women 1,000 Feet Away from Alligators

A tragic incident in Florida, as reported by WESH News has once again exposed a glaring loophole in public safety policy. According to reports, a woman was killed by an alligator while swimming in a Florida river. The facts are undeniable. A woman was near a body of water. An alligator was near a body of water. A tragedy occurred.

The solution is obvious. Florida lawmakers must immediately enact legislation prohibiting women from residing within 1,000 feet of any lake, river, pond, canal, retention basin, drainage ditch, swamp, marsh, puddle, birdbath, decorative fountain, or any other location where an alligator might conceivably exist.

After all, women are among our most vulnerable populations. And if it saves just one woman, won’t it all be worth it?

Some critics may object that there is no evidence forcing women from their homes would reduce alligator attacks. Others may point out that alligators are found throughout Florida and that such a law would make large portions of the state effectively uninhabitable. But those people are clearly missing the point. This is about public safety!

Some have suggested this would amount to banishment. Ridiculous. Women would still be allowed to visit their homes. They simply couldn’t sleep there. As every Floridian knows, alligators are extremely respectful of government regulations and almost never operate between the hours of 6:00 AM to 10:00 PM. By requiring women to leave their homes between 10:00 PM and 6:00 AM, we can dramatically reduce the risk posed by these highly schedule-conscious reptiles. This is just common sense.

Opponents may ask where displaced women are expected to live, since nearly all of Florida is within 1,000 feet of water. That question misses the larger issue. Housing is not the Legislature’s responsibility.

If a woman finds herself unable to locate a lawful residence, perhaps she should consider living under an overpass, in a parking lot, or in a colony established miles away from any natural body of water. Surely that is a reasonable tradeoff for public safety.

Others may point out that women are statistically more likely to be injured in automobile accidents, suffer falls in the home, or face countless other risks that are not addressed through exclusion zones. Studies suggest there is no correlation between where a woman lives and whether she will get attacked by an alligator or that the overwhelming majority of reptile attacks come from people’s pets. Again, irrelevant. A woman was attacked by an alligator. Therefore, all women near water must be restricted. The logic is airtight.

If it saves one woman, it will all be worth it. Right?