Florida Must Act Now: Keep Women 1,000 Feet Away from Alligators
A tragic incident in Florida, as reported by WESH News has once again exposed a glaring loophole in public safety policy. According to reports, a woman was killed by an alligator while swimming in a Florida river. The facts are undeniable. A woman was near a body of water. An alligator was near a body of water. A tragedy occurred.
The solution is obvious. Florida lawmakers must immediately enact legislation prohibiting women from residing within 1,000 feet of any lake, river, pond, canal, retention basin, drainage ditch, swamp, marsh, puddle, birdbath, decorative fountain, or any other location where an alligator might conceivably exist.
After all, women are among our most vulnerable populations. And if it saves just one woman, won’t it all be worth it?
Some critics may object that there is no evidence forcing women from their homes would reduce alligator attacks. Others may point out that alligators are found throughout Florida and that such a law would make large portions of the state effectively uninhabitable. But those people are clearly missing the point. This is about public safety!
Some have suggested this would amount to banishment. Ridiculous. Women would still be allowed to visit their homes. They simply couldn’t sleep there. As every Floridian knows, alligators are extremely respectful of government regulations and almost never operate between the hours of 6:00 AM to 10:00 PM. By requiring women to leave their homes between 10:00 PM and 6:00 AM, we can dramatically reduce the risk posed by these highly schedule-conscious reptiles. This is just common sense.
Opponents may ask where displaced women are expected to live, since nearly all of Florida is within 1,000 feet of water. That question misses the larger issue. Housing is not the Legislature’s responsibility.
If a woman finds herself unable to locate a lawful residence, perhaps she should consider living under an overpass, in a parking lot, or in a colony established miles away from any natural body of water. Surely that is a reasonable tradeoff for public safety.
Others may point out that women are statistically more likely to be injured in automobile accidents, suffer falls in the home, or face countless other risks that are not addressed through exclusion zones. Studies suggest there is no correlation between where a woman lives and whether she will get attacked by an alligator or that the overwhelming majority of reptile attacks come from people’s pets. Again, irrelevant. A woman was attacked by an alligator. Therefore, all women near water must be restricted. The logic is airtight.
If it saves one woman, it will all be worth it. Right?
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I love the satire, and truly we need some comedic relief in this struggle. Life plays out like some twisted comedy, regrettably.
Oddly, the alligator gets more respect in Florida than we do. Despite the fact that they TRULY ARE a dangerous, apex predator, they can live pretty much wherever they want. Wasn’t there an elderly woman who was killed not long ago by one? Why was there a 10 foot alligator living in the middle of her retirement community? Ahh, I guess alligators have more rights than we do!
Well, at least if we’re banned from being near any bodies of water, we won’t have to worry much about these esteemed creatures in the ever so bright and magnificently intelligent state of Florida.
This story about banning all women from Florida’s waterways because one woman was killed by an alligator isn’t just clever — it’s a brutal indictment of how irrational and unjust our policies have become. And the tragedy is that even a metaphor this obvious won’t wake up the people who need to hear it. We end up sharing this truth only among ourselves, repeating the same indictments year after year while lawmakers and the public do not hear the point.
They would laugh at the absurdity of banning women from water, yet in full public view they support the same level of nonsense when it’s aimed at men and women on the registry. This is where we are: take a disadvantaged group, inflate their threat into a moral panic, and use that panic to justify stripping an entire class of Americans of their Constitutional rights. We’ve seen this pattern before — rewrite it in 1950 and it becomes a chapter from Black America’s history. It’s narrow minded, it’s dishonest, and it’s a direct assault on the Constitution.
But year after year, lawmakers double down. Courts pretend they can’t see the damage. The public cheers for vigilantism as if it’s patriotism. And millions of dollars pour into private institutions, sting operations, entrapment schemes, and an ever expanding maze of restrictions designed to keep people in permanent exile.
Employment blocked. Housing banned. Political participation forbidden. Public officials making defamatory statements to the press with zero accountability. Entire families punished because someone in their household is on a list, a sign is posted on their lawn, and their driver’s license is stamped with a Scarlet A. This isn’t “public safety.” It’s state sponsored humiliation. It’s punishment dressed up as policy. It’s a system built on fear, not facts — and the people who promote it should be held accountable for the harm their rhetoric and ordinances create.
And the most grotesque part? The people being demonized are not the caricatures politicians love to parade around. They are fathers, sons, grandfathers, veterans, former respected members of their communities — human beings who served their sentences, completed their programs, and are trying to rebuild their lives. But instead of being allowed to rejoin society, they’re treated as permanent monsters, as if redemption is impossible and citizenship is conditional.
The metaphor about banning women from waterways exposes the truth: our laws are not built on logic, evidence, wisdom, or justice. They’re built on fear, political theater, and a public conditioned to hate a group of Americans they don’t even know. And until that changes — until there is accountability for irresponsible language, threats, ordinances, and legislation — the cycle of irrational punishment will keep grinding forward. Not because it protects anyone, but because it’s easy, profitable, and politically convenient.
That’s funny right there. I don’t care who you are.
this gave me a really good laugh, thank you FAC very well said. Too bad you can’t get the politicians to read this & see the handwriting on the wall about all the ludicrous laws they are getting passed & the harm it is causing??
We can get them to read it. Just share a link to the article with them!
FAC thank you for this. I needed a good laugh as tomorrow I go report in and always filled with Anxiety. Some would say “oh this is just ridiculous idea” while i would agree, so is the law that goes into effect 13 hours lol .
Well done FAC
This is great lol. This is my type of smart a** humor.